Tony Goggin’s Blog

 

OK, I know I should write something more than jokes, but here’s another one that I really enjoyed…

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

One of the best jokes I’ve ever heard…

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A guy was looking at the classified ads in Florida and saw an ad that says “Talking Dog $20.” So he goes to the house listed in the ad and asks the owner what the deal was with the talking dog.  The owner said he was in the back bedroom. 

 Sitting on a bed with a tv remote in hand, the dog looks up and says, “Hey, how you doing?”

The guy is flabbergasted, “You’re really a talking dog! What heck are you doing here in Florida?”

“Well,” the dog says, “let me tell you.”

“I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and helped save people who were buried in the debris. Then I was in the Gulf War for a while bringing medicine to injured soldiers. Then I helped sniff for terrorist bombs at the JFK. Then I was on Broadway in Riverdance. Then I helped patrol the border and sniff out drug runners before my partner got shot. It all just got to be too much.  So I retired down here.”

The guy goes out into the other room and says, “This is amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for only twenty dollars?”

The owner replies loud enough for the dog in the other room to hear, “Cause he’s a BIG LIAR!”

– heard on “Bob and Tom” show by comedian Rob Haney

Thanks to Letterman for inventing the “Top 10″ List all those years ago…

Top 10 things said in the movie “Star Wars” that sound dirty, but really aren’t…

10. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
9.  “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
8.  “Look at the size of that thing!”
7.  “Sorry about the mess…”
6.  “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
5.  “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
4.  “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
3.  “Put that thing away before you get us all killed!”
2.  “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”

And the #1 thing said in the movie “Star Wars” that sounds dirty, but really isn’t…

1. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care *what* you smell!”