One of the best jokes I’ve ever heard…
A guy was looking at the classified ads in Florida and saw an ad that says “Talking Dog $20.” So he goes to the house listed in the ad and asks the owner what the deal was with the talking dog. The owner said he was in the back bedroom.
Sitting on a bed with a tv remote in hand, the dog looks up and says, “Hey, how you doing?”
The guy is flabbergasted, “You’re really a talking dog! What heck are you doing here in Florida?”
“Well,” the dog says, “let me tell you.”
“I was at Ground Zero on 9/11 and helped save people who were buried in the debris. Then I was in the Gulf War for a while bringing medicine to injured soldiers. Then I helped sniff for terrorist bombs at the JFK. Then I was on Broadway in Riverdance. Then I helped patrol the border and sniff out drug runners before my partner got shot. It all just got to be too much. So I retired down here.”
The guy goes out into the other room and says, “This is amazing. How can you sell a dog like that for only twenty dollars?”
The owner replies loud enough for the dog in the other room to hear, “Cause he’s a BIG LIAR!”
– heard on “Bob and Tom” show by comedian Rob Haney
Thanks to Letterman for inventing the “Top 10″ List all those years ago…
Top 10 things said in the movie “Star Wars
” that sound dirty, but really aren’t…
10. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
9. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
8. “Look at the size of that thing!”
7. “Sorry about the mess…”
6. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
5. “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
4. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
3. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed!”
2. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
And the #1 thing said in the movie “Star Wars” that sounds dirty, but really isn’t…
1. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care *what* you smell!”
A bit of humor from my sister - taken from the pages of the blogs of our pets…
Diary Excerpts
The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced t!
hat the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…